Early Morning thoughts

I have no idea why I am up this early, other than my bladder woke me up. I laid in bed, trying to fall back asleep for a couple hours, but it wasn't happening. Then I thought I would check my email, since I won't have a computer for a couple weeks. Well, there was an e-mail from my TA for Food and Nutrition saying that our final grades had been posted....I got a C, which is what I was expecting. However, what I was not expecting was to find that my Public Administration grade had also been posted.....I got a D!!!!!!!!!!! Now, I know that sounds silly to be excited about, however, I am thrilled! I thought I was going to fail this class. I would not have had to take it over, because I no longer need it for my major, however, the F would have seriously brought my already low GPA even lower. This is a beautiful start to hopefully a beautiful day!
I had an awesome day yesterday hanging out with some awesome people! I got to work with a friend that I haven't gotten to spend alot of time with this semester so that was kind of nice that we got to work together and talk and catch up. Then I was super productive. Steve has wanted me to make an expense sheet to help give me a better look at my finances. This was extremely helpful because it let me see clearly what I need to pay to people, instead of looking at a huge stack of bills that become extremely overwhelming.
Then I went to my best friend Lauren's graduation. I also had 4 other friends that graduated as well. My friends Chris, Kent, Kevin, and my sorority sister Rebekka. I felt so blessed that they wanted me to share in their day with them! The Fair(Chris' family) family, Christie, Lauren, Nick, and I all went to Cracker Barrel where Chris' dad paid for my lunch. That was incredibly generous of him, since I had just met him. I then went to Marie and Andreya's which is where I will be staying for most of break, and procceeded to pass out for most of the afternoon. I was supposed to hang out with Katie B, but fell asleep, so she came over to get me lol. I woke up and she was in my room....kinda creepy at first, but then funny lol.
I went to her house, where Erica, Nate, Katie, Chris, and I watched Clue. Well, they watched Clue, I watched the inside of my eye-lids. I was soooo tired. I hadn't slept, like really slept, in over a week. My sleep last night was amazing. I went to bed around 11ish, and woke up at 6:30 and I feel so refreshed. I will probably come home and sleep some more after church.
I am having incredibly mixed feelings about this break. I need the break just to relax and try to regroup, but at the same time, it is really hard to do that when I am spending all of my time freaking out about what my family is going to do next. They have been incredibly quiet the last few days and it is making me really nervous. I know that I should just enjoy the quiet and be happy that they are being quiet, but in my family that is never ever a good thing! Oh, well. I will just wait and see what the Lord is doing with that. I know He has something great planned....if only to know what it is....but that is for Him.

Blessed

So, I am sitting in my room, and I should be studying for my exam that I have at 8:30 this morning, which, by my clock is an hour and 23 minutes from now. However, all I can seem to do is cry. This is something that I have been doing alot of these last past weeks, and I hate it. I don't like crying, especially in front of people and it's something that I can't seem to stop doing.
This past weekend my amazing and wonderful friends surprised me with a digital camera for Christmas. I managed to not cry in front of them, but there was for sure crying afterward. I cannot express how much I love my friends. They are wonderfully amazing people whose love has blessed me in ways I could never imagine. However, upon posting to my Facebook status how blessed I felt to have them in my life this was posted to my wall by my mother:

TO ALL OF JASMINE"S FRIENDS....as Jasmine's mother please accept my gratitude for supporting my daughter through her many emotional and physical struggles. It appears she has met many good people this year ....for this I am eternally grateful. It pains me to read her notes of apparent dispair and struggles. However ...please know that she does have a family that has been with her through her many many problems........we love her and continue to support her. If she choses not to be with us there is nothing we can do. She does not want to be confronted by us in her financial and medical mismanagement of her life and therefore choses not to be this us which we respect. I have remained silent over the last year but her continued public display of lack of family of support and love is just sad. God helps those who help themselves.....please accept my appreciation for being there for her since she choses not to seek the help she needs.

In theory this would not sound like a bad note, however, it is written to be incredibly condescending and basically telling my friends that they should not be friends with me. I have been struggling with my family for years. My family has never really understood me, and my mom and I have always been at odds, unless I am doing what she wants me to. I am really trying to be strong, and get through this week(it's finals), but the amount of energy that this is requiring is almost too much for me. I love that Steve encouraged me to change my voicemail message, and it is somewhat comforting to know that I don't have to respond to them until this week is over.
I am beginning to feel like this is an enormous battle and God is testing me. My faith is wavering, and not cemented, and I need to find my fill from HIM. He can provide for me more than anyone else can. I need to realize that I don't have to be the best at everything, and I don't have to be the person that my mother wants me to be. I need to be the person that HE made me to be. I have no idea who that person might be yet, but I know that she seems to be loved by many people. I am hoping that someday, that will be enough for my mother. Until that day, she doesn't deserve to have me in her life.
I have found people that loved me, not based on what I do or can do for them, but because I am me. I think that has been the greatest gift that I have received from my friends. They have been so amazing and wonderful and I love that they love me!
I am sorry that this is sooo long. I just had to get these thoughts of my chest.